Love Yourself from the Inside Out

This past week was a hard one for me I was bored and tired of the food. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that this food was making me feel better and healthier. Everyone around me has been sick and yet I haven't gotten sick once. My body is loving the healthier choices and eating REAL food...but my mind is telling me I'm bored. In the Discussions with Dash he touched on how the Mind is a terrible thing for the waist. There was so much information about the science behind food and what it does to our bodies. But more importantly what I took home from it was this powerful message: What are two things we HAVE to have in order to survive? Food & Love think about it, if you have a brand new precious baby you could give it all the nutrients in the world BUT if you did not HOLD and LOVE on that baby it would die. Humans need food to survive for nourishment but we also need love. Love and acceptance from those around us. Along the way I have found myself having thoughts about this specific topic. I have thought to myself if I could just feel like Quynn loved me for all of me regardless of how much I weigh then I could be me the way I am and eat whatever I wanted. I found myself resenting my husband. After the discussions with Dash and pondering on everything that was said last night I returned to Quynn and told him all of my thoughts. I have come to the realization I was resenting myself but blaming my husband. He DOES LOVE ME for all of me. He always has! I'm the one who doesn't Love me for me. I am the one who wasn't happy being the weight I was and feeling trapped and not knowing how to get out of me. I was lost in my own self, I was just trying to blame everyone and everything around me but wasn't taking my own accountability. I need to LOVE me! My goal is not about a number it's getting to the point where I can love me for all of me, weightloss is just a side effect. It's empowering and vulnerable to tell the world that. But this is MY journey!

The Seven Week Itch...it's a thang!

I have always heard of the dreaded seven year itch divorce rates are statistically high around this time in a marriage. For me and my past fad diets the seven week mark is usually about when I plateau and my weight becomes stagnant. So I bust my butt for another week ramping up my workouts doing double time just to watch the scale stay at a steady number. It's frustrating the devastation makes me question why am I even trying this hard? I usually slowly back down and walk away from yet another diet. Well I have hit my 7th week on the Dash program (remember I started early) and even though old habits are creeping into my mind, the thought of eating unhealthy and fattening foods seems appealing...I cannot give in! I won't give in! My mind is telling me it's time to divorce this program. But I won't! You know what keeps me going I steadily keep dropping weight and inches. I know numbers shouldn't matter because it should be about longevity and a healthier lifestyle and in the long run it is about that...but this week for me it's about the numbers it's about taking one day at a time and renewing my relationship with better foods. So those who can, eat a cookie for me and I will grab another salad with berries because I am on a date to fix my love for a healthier life! Cheers!

Breaking the Chains to my WHY!

In honor of Dash 's "What's Your Why Wednesday" I feel it appropriate to share my Why with you today.

Those two girls are what make me excited about life! But most importantly they have taught me to love myself. My daughters look up to me, they copy every bad or good action, habit, or quirk that I have and do. They have taught me that body image isn't even a word in their pure and innocent minds. The best part of my mornings are I can look my worst and my daughter will still grab my face to tell me I look so pretty. Body image is created by outside influences that can destroy a girls self worth. I want my girls to know that they have the power to be whoever they want to be. I want them to know that they can achieve the impossible and break the chains of letting society define what beautiful is to them. I am choosing to break the chains of who I am because hearing that "these are my genetics, we are just bigger women" is an excuse and that stops today! My Lifestyle change is more than a number on a scale it's about being who I want to be and finding my own SELF WORTH!

I Can Do Hard Things!

I officially started a version of Dash on my own January 1st. For the first time ever upon starting a diet I didn't want nor have my "final supper"(a binge of all things tasty, good, and fattening). I didn't need to, I didn't want to! I was determined to start the moment I uploaded my video to become a Team Dash All Star. I was tired of feeling like a gelatinous blob..you know the kind that squishes into any outfit because I will be damned if I have to buy the next size up. Yep I was tired of being that girl. So I started! Now in order for you to know dear reader just where the beginning started you must know that dreaded number, my weight, the weight that I felt defined who I was as a person. The weight that I felt controlled me. The weight that I have now learned is a miraculous number that has vanished and throughout these first weeks has faded into abiss. I weighed in at 220 pounds that's a lot of weight for a short girl! That weight also is what I ran my half marathon with. That's right, can you imagine how sore my body was after running 13.3 miles!! I conditioned and trained for 3 months with that weight and didn't lose one pound. That was my final breaking point something had to give and it had to be the weight. I started as a girl that made myself the punt of every fat joke so no one else could hurt me. I have learned in these few short weeks to be amazed at how strong I really am. What other 220 pound girl could run a half marathon?! That's right this girl! I know I can do hard things! I will continue to do hard things because I believe I can! As a side note my weigh in today was 207.6 I am doing this!

My Journey to a Healthier Happier Me.

It all started with a phone call. I was broken and beaten down, like a modgepodge of millions of pieces scattered around. Weight shouldn't define me but it did! In order to collect these pieces to build a masterpiece I needed to show my vulnerability a raw and true form of me. A phone call that began my journey was to my amazing aunt Susan. Sometimes I feel like we live parallel lives even though I was born a generation after her. We are kindred sisters and sometimes I don't even need to say anything before she understands me. I laid it all out to her every broken piece I had been feeling and torturing myself with. She didn't throw me a pity party or tell me it was ok, or even that she understood what I was going through. She did something better and more powerful she told me she believed in me. She knew the journey that I could start if I chose to wasn't going to be easy but she knew I was ready and gave me the tools to begin my journey (quite literally she bought me a quote that has become my theme for this year, and it hangs in my bathroom by my mirror where I can see and reflect on it daily!)

Swollen feet leads to bed rest which then leads to inducing?!

Yep, that's right! Swollen feet, hands, and legs does mean there's something wrong. Kankles aren't normal! Last week when I went into the doctor he showed more concern that my feet, hands, and face had started to swell even more, my blood pressure was higher than normal and my occasional headaches are all signs of pregnancy induced hypertension. So with that he sent me to my room, on bedrest. I was looking forward to having an excuse to keep my feet elevated but didn't expect that bedrest could be sooo boring!!! I'm so glad I only had to do bedrest for 5 days instead of those who have to stay in bed for so much longer. I did get to catch up on all my tv shows which was fun, for a day. Because they were concerned I also got to do a couple stress tests hooked up to a bunch of monitors to make sure baby Ada was doing good. During the stress test she didn't want to wake up even after a juice box full of sugar, she stayed content as ever, asleep. So they had to take it to the next level with a buzzer right next to her head...one buzz and she went from 130 heart beat to a whopping 180, kicking all over inside. Woke her up for sure! Now I'll always know why she will hate buzzers! Once she was able to relax a little bit she was happier as ever still cuddled in my ribs, there clearly must be more room there then anywhere else she doesn't show any signs of wanting to drop. So, hopefully inducing labor will make her want to drop. Fingers crossed this doesn't turn into a c-section. I'm more than excited to know that tomorrow I will finally get to meet my little girl who's been growing inside of me for these past 38 weeks. I also thought I would post a picture of my feet, the middle foot is my moms and when I'm not pregnant a good idea of what my feet usually look like...WOOT WOOT for kankles! lol!!

Update on Baby Ada

So I figured I had a few short minutes to update my blog on Ada's progress. More for journal entry since I am terrible at recording personal history!

Last week I went in for my 34 week appt and the nail bitting, toe clenching, ok it's not that bad...Strep B test. At 34 weeks I was already dialated to a 1cm and 70% thinned out. He also mentioned that if I make it to Full Term and up to my due date that she could be 8-9lbs and therefore 'alternative measures to help get her out would be discussed.' Seems to me the only other alternative is a C-section, so praying she comes on her own before we reach that point.

This week at my 35 week appt I am still at a 1cm but now 80% thinned out, exciting since there's still progression coming along. Unfortunately I recieved a positive on the Strep B test. At the time the Dr. didn't seem to concerned as he said 1 in every 5 women are tested positive with Strep B. But after coming out of the dr appt I still had questions such as, could this have been prevented? How did I get it? How come I didn't know I had it? So after a lot of research I found a site that pretty much answered all my questions and I thought I'd post it here for those first time mom's or first time carriers of Strep B. http://pregnancy.about.com/od/groupbstrep/a/How-To-Protect-Your-Baby-From-Group-B-Strep-Gbs.htm

Seems like thank goodness for modern day medicine and the knowledge we have now that we can help limit the outcome of illness to our future babies. And it leaves me feeling at peace knowing that her outcomes of an illness are slim to none with recieving antibiotics...just not looking forward to the needle in my hand during labor! YUCK!

Either way I'm still excited for this new adventure and phase in my life. The anticipation of when she'll enter our lives and I can sleep on my tummy once again. :)